Where has the time gone?

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As many of you will have noticed, my blogging hiatus has lasted a Β little bit longer than I was initially planning. In all honesty, I hadn’t realised how long it had actually been. This year seems to have flown by. One minute it was Christmas and I was stressing about how I was going to afford Christmas presents for everyone, and the next thing I knew, it was June, uni was done and I was suddenly in the real world, a little bit lost but also relieved.

So much has happened this year that I don’t really know where to begin. It’s been a difficult year to say the least. I’ve had to deal with things I’ve never had to deal with before, including the loss of a family member, and coping with the stress of my dissertation and my other final year projects.

Instead of going into all the details, I think the best thing for me to do is to conclude that this year has been the year where I feel like I’m learning. I feel like the experiences that have happened so far have been made me look at life in a different way. I’m aware that to some of you that might sound stupid and cheesy, but from my perspective, it’s the truth. 2017 has been challenging, tough, and stressful, but I’m still coping, I’m beginning to feel happier, and I’m understanding that sometimes you need a bit of negativity so that you can find the positive.

Blogging began as a creative outlet for me, a place to express myself, something that’s difficult to do in reality. It always allowed me to stop bottling things up, something which I know I’ve done for the last few months. So therefore, I’m back. I want to keep my blog going. It was a place to get things off my chest, and I think I need that again. It was also a space where I could share pieces of my creative writing, and as my degree is now over, it’s important to me that I keep sharing those too.

If you have any blogging requests etc, then feel free to comment below, I’m always interested in what all of you out there have to say.

Love from,

Beth x

It’s okay to be shy

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If you know me, then you’ll probably be wondering what this post is about. That’s because in front of my close friends and in front of my family, I’m not shy in the slightest. I’m loud, I can be sarcastic, I can be moody, I make jokes, and I’m confident. The problem comes when I meet new people or when I’m in a situation where I feel totally and utterly out of my depth.

The thing is, I like meeting new people. I try to be friendly, I try to get to know people, but sometimes my shyness gets in the way. I often worry that it makes me come across as rude when I don’t say a lot in social situations, or when I don’t make eye contact.

I don’t think it’s just me who feels this way. I think a lot of people do. When you’re shy, it can often seem lonely. You actively go out of your way to avoid situations that make you feel uncomfortable. It makes things such as job interviews or even simply going to a party a living nightmare. We constantly think that all eyes are on us. It makes us blush, it makes us fumble our words, it makes us want the ground to swallow us up.

I read an article recently that said that people tend to trust shy people more because shyness is a way of people outwardly expressing their emotions. Apparently shy people tend to be more emotional, they tend to care more about others, and they tend to have a generally warmer personality. The words of this article really stayed with me. I do try to always think about others, and I do tend to be quite an emotional person. It helped me to see the positive side of my shy nature.

I keep seeing the same quote- ‘shyness has ruined so many great opportunities.’ In a way it makes me angry and I found this to really affect me. It’s true, shyness has ruined opportunities for me, but it doesn’t mean it has to ruin any more for me. As I’m getting older, I’m trying to break away from my comfort zone, to break through the shyness. I think that believing that quote will stop you from taking great opportunities, and that the best thing to do is to not let shyness be the catalyst that stops you from living the life you want to.

My main aim of writing this is just to say to all my fellow shy people out there- it’s okay. You’re not alone. People don’t dislike you because you’re shy. Chances are, when they get to know you, and realise that you’re shy, they’ll go out of their way to help make you feel more comfortable. And besides, confidence grows as you get older. Remember that. You don’t need to let shyness control your life. Take a deep breath, remember that it’s just who you are, and try your best. Shyness doesn’t have to hold you back anymore.

Why I’m doing what’s right for me

 

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I think it’s so hard to not be influenced by those around us. I always used to feel as if I was copying what others were doing whilst not making any proper decisions of my own. I’m not sure if I did this because I didn’t feel that I knew what was best for me, or because I thought that what everyone else was doing was the only way for me to do things too. Over the last few years, I’ve been trying to escape that mindset, as I want to do what’s best for me now. At the end of the day, my choices affect MY life, they don’t affect anyone else.

One of the biggest qualms I’ve had to deal with is the expectations of being a student. As a student you’re expected to be out partying every night, drowning your weight in alcohol, and flirting with as many people as possible. The thing is, that’s just not me. I like dressing up in pretty clothes whilst sipping on cocktails in a sophisticated bar, and I enjoy going home at a reasonable hour whilst still knowing where my head’s at and what I’m doing. I used to think that that made me boring, and that I wasn’t getting enough out of ‘the student experience’ but I’ve started to come to the conclusion that I’m now getting the student experience I want. I still go out occasionally, and yes I still occasionally get drunk, but the majority of the time, I’m quite happy spending the night chatting away to friends and generally having a laugh. I don’t think that makes me boring.

Consequently, I’m doing what’s right for me in terms of studying. All through school and college, I tried my hardest with my work as I was so determined to get good grades and do well for myself. One of the things I kept a secret for so long was that I was younger than everyone else. When I was in primary school I was moved up a year. Since then I’ve continued with people older than myself, and yet I was ashamed of it. I worried that people would think I was too geeky and weird, and when people did find out about it, they weren’t always nice. Luckily, all of the people that I’ve got in my life at the moment know about it all, and they don’t care. That’s why I feel liberated enough to share this on here. I’m not ashamed of it anymore. So what if I skipped a year of school? I’m proud of it now.

Furthermore, I hate people trying to tell me what’s best for me in terms of my future. When I originally chose my course of BA English Literature and Creative Writing, I was met with some stick about what career options that would leave me with. For some reason, I started to get it into my head that English was a ‘soft’ subject and that I would lend up without any career prospects. But two years into my course, and I’m happy with my decision. My course challenges me, and how you can say it’s a ‘soft’ subject I’m not sure, and to be honest is quite offensive. I’ve started to think about future careers and again, I keep being told that that I’m not going to get into the industry I want because it’s too competitive. I’m determined to prove that those people are wrong, and even if I do fail, I know that I’ve done what’s right for me simply by trying.

I’m glad I’ve started to realise that it’s my choices that count. I’m my own person, and I know my potentials and downfalls. I know what makes me tick, and what doesn’t. Therefore I’m going to keep doing what’s best for me, and I don’t care if it bothers you. It’s my life, and that’s all that matters.

 

Thought of the day

“Drink tea, read books, be happy”

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I’m the sort of person who constantly feels like they should be doing something or going somewhere new. The thought of a day with nothing planned terrifies me, and I hate waking up with nowhere to go and no one to see.

Since leaving college, where I was in every day from nine till four, and starting university I’ve found myself with so much free time. For a lot of people all this free time is great as it leaves time for sleeping, Netflix and just general pottering around, but for me it’s the worst thing in the world.

Take this weekend for example. Bear in mind that I’m currently on a work placement where I’m in full time from Monday from Friday. On Friday night I was quite happy to just stay and chill with a glass of wine after a long working week. On Saturday there was the usual errands to run such as shopping, getting the boyfriend’s hair cut, and popping into town for some hair dye, and on Saturday evening, I went for dinner with some friends at Coast to Coast. Then it rolled round to Sunday, and suddenly I was faced with the one thing I hate the most- having no plans all day long. I tried to fill out the day by cooking a breakfast, taking a long shower, and watching a film. But by four o clock I was bored. And it wasn’t as if I’d been sat in all weekend either.

I wish that I was the type of person to be able to just take comfort in doing nothing but I’m not. I’m a creature of routines, I love trying new things, and despite complaining when I’m exhausted, love being busy. But the problem is, I need to understand that not everyone feels like I do and that not everyone loves rushing through life at 100mph like I do.

Instead of moaning about all my free time I need to ravish it, as it’s not going to be this way forever. One day I’m going to have proper responsibilities. I need to start spending my free time wisely, catching up on all that TV that I’ve missed, watching all those films that I want to watch, and taking as many long, hot baths as I can. And I need to know that there’s all the time in the world for me to try new experiences and that I don’t need to rush through everything. I need to take my time, relish in the smaller things, and to just enjoy the big things when they happen instead of spending all my relax days waiting for them to happen.

Thought of the day

“Stars can’t shine without darkness”

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Despite living in a big city for the past year, I’ve only recently noticed something. I’ve noticed that from the window of my flat, it’s practically impossible to see the stars. Due to the city smog and the constant artificial light, all I can see is a blackened sky with patches of slightly lighter sky, and if it’s a ‘clear’ night, I can see the moon. This saddens me quite a bit as in the past, in the town and then the city I lived in before I lived here, I could see the stars and all their constellations. I enjoyed looking up on a cloudless night and seeing them twinkling above me and it was a sort of comfort to know that they were always there, waiting and ready for those nights I needed to see something raw, real and beautiful.

After feeling sad about this for quite a long time on Saturday night, I started to realise something. Just because I couldn’t see the stars, it didn’t mean that they weren’t there. They were there, I just couldn’t see them at that precise moment. If I really focused my eyes on the night sky, I could see what looked like a remnant of a star attempting to break out of it’s prison as it glittered briefly at me. But it was over in a flash and once again I was left with a starless sky.

For many of us, just because someone is no longer visible in our lives, whether that’s because of physical barriers or because we’ve lost track of time and forgotten their importance, we forget that they existed or are still existing. In the same way that the stars can’t be clearly seen from my window, just because you can’t see a person anymore, it doesn’t mean that they’re not still there on the outskirts. They’re still raw, and real, and beautiful, and they’re a still a part of you.

That’s the logic I want to embrace. Instead of worrying that I can’t see the stars in the place that I am at the moment, I’m going to smile and remember that they’re still up there, getting ready to smile right back at me one day. The smog will disappear, and I’ll see them twinkling and proud, but for now, it’s enough to remember that they still exist in my memory.

Thought of the day

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At some point in most people’s lives, people worry. The majority of people worry every single day about something whether it’s something major or something tiny. As a student, it’s so easy to spend too much time fretting, whether that’s fretting about being able to afford your weekly food shop or worrying about affording drinks on a night out. Then there’s emotional worries about whether we’re gonnaΒ pass our next assignment, or whether we’re gonna get a date with that cute guy that we really fancy.

The problem is that we’re spending too much time worrying. At the end of the day, we have to remember that we’re not psychic and we can’t change the outcome of something once we’ve done something. Well at least the majority of the time, and hey, if you know you’ve done everything you can to change the outcome, then remember there’s nothing more you can do except sit back and relax.

I worry all the time. Sometimes I worry about irrational things, irrational things such as what would happen if a spider came into my flat when I was alone and there was no one to get rid of it apart from me, who’s completely utterly and terrified by spiders. But what’s the point in worrying about things like that? If it happened, I’d probably scream a lot and hide in a different room, but the point is I’d survive. It wouldn’t change my life at all.

Sometimes I worry about completely normal things like what I’m going to do when I graduate, but in this case, I know I’m working my socks off to get the best grades I can, and I’m trying to gain work experience, so what more can I do?

I think what I’m trying to say is that, a little bit of worry is normal. But don’t let it take over your life. Next time I’m worrying away about something stupid I’m going to run myself a hot bath with loads of bubbles, and try to get rid of some of that stress. It won’t completely remove my worries, but it’ll take my mind off things for a bit, after all I’m only human.